


Bird Brained

by BonnieLass23



Series: Fics Inspired By Funny Shit I Saw Online [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/M, He had one job, Tentoo should not be in charge of anything to do with Jackie's big day, to be fair Jackie did make him wear the tux of doom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23061697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonnieLass23/pseuds/BonnieLass23
Summary: The guests let out shrieks as they try to dodge out of the way. The Orchestra is desperately attempting to protect their instruments. The catering staff has abandoned their posts choosing to run for their lives. And there stands Jackie Tyler in her wedding dress next to Pete with Tony and Rose on either side, screaming one name in aggravation. “DOCTOR!”
Relationships: Jackie Tyler/Pete Tyler (Pete's World), Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Series: Fics Inspired By Funny Shit I Saw Online [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1657390
Comments: 11
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by something funny I saw online, that just sounded like such a Tentoo move.
> 
> Technically a part of my Ginger Behemoth and Gangly Doctor Creature universe, although Doctor Puff doesn't really make an appearance.

Six Months Prior

One thing the Doctor had come to appreciate, was that Jackie and Rose had never truly had the chance to settle into Pete’s World. After first being trapped here Rose had been caught up in a cycle of grief, which had left Jackie to fret over her only daughter. There had also been the rush to explain Jackie’s sudden ‘resurrection’ and the appearance of an adult daughter. Official papers, and a backstory had all needed to be created for Rose. The added pressure of Pete and the suddenly back from the dead Jackie being quite public figures had only added to the scrutiny of the press. There had been reporters and paparazzi crowding around the gates to the Tyler estate. Wanting to catch photos of the unknown Vitex heiress.

By the time Rose had pulled herself out of her grief she had already thrown herself into Torchwood and finding a way back. The goodbye on Bad Wolf Bay only fueling that desire.

Jackie’s pregnancy had added an extra level of chaos. Having been over two decades since Jackie had given birth to Rose, and Pete never being a father before left them scrambling.

And of course it was only a little while later, before Tony was born, that they started to notice the stars going out. Then it was all hands on deck for crisis after crisis. Experimental technology and attempts to find him across the void.

Now things were different. Much like before they were aware that the walls between universes were closed. Unlike before, this time they had made the choice to stay. There was no all consuming drive to get back to each other. Rose was happy, he was happy, their cat Doctor Puff was happy. Tony was growing up with a loving family, and the world wasn’t in a constant state of eminent danger.

It was nice. Not having to constantly be on the go. To be able to sit back and enjoy life. Of course this also left Jackie with more time on her hands. Time she spent deciding that she wanted a wedding. Technically a vow renewal. Assuming the other Jackie’s identity meant she and Pete were legally married. But she wasn’t the other Jackie, and Pete wasn’t her original Pete. Which meant she wanted to make things ‘official’. Now with all of Pete’s resources available she could dream as big as she wanted.

Jackie didn’t just want a wedding. She wanted a BIG wedding. Jackie wanted all the bells and whistles. Her free time was spent going over ideas in her large wedding binder, larger than any UNIT report he’d ever seen, new bits added on a daily, if not hourly rate.

“She’s mental.” Rose dropped onto the couch next to the Doctor. “Absolutely mental.”

“What’s she want now?” It had become almost a daily occurrence since Jackie’s big decision. Rose would come moan to him about the next big idea on Jackie’s list.

“A horse drawn carriage.” Rose groaned, fingers rubbing at her temples. The Doctor let out a snicker, causing Rose to lightly nudge his knee with hers. “S’not funny.”

“Your mum, Jackie Tyler, wants to arrive in a horse drawn carriage.” The Doctor grimaced. “Those poor horses have no idea what they’re in for.”

Rose only rolled her eyes. “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“Seriously Rose!” His glasses were slipped off as he turned to face her. “Think about all the headaches your mother is going to put those poor creatures through with her nattering away at them. Animal abuse is what that is.”

Rose let out a snort. “Alright, it’s a bit funny.”

“What’s funny hmmm?” The Doctor raised his eyebrows. “Certainly not the bill for all the horse therapy they’re going to need that’s undoubtedly going to find it’s way onto Pete’s desk.”

“You’re terrible!” 

“Not as terrible as your mother is going to be for those poor horses' psyches.”

  
One Month Prior

It had been five months and the Doctor had been fed up after the first one. Five months of dress shopping, seating charts, back and forth on the colors, and decorations, and which flowers to use, and oh but maybe the centerpieces need a little bit more sparkle. Five months and the Doctor was done. If he had to listen to one more composition of ‘Here Comes the Bride’ because maybe it should be played in a different key or with a different instrument thrown in his brain was going to liquify and leak out of his ears. Or so he frequently told Rose.

“You know what your mother is Rose?”

Rose narrowed her eyes. She had done her fair share of complaining, but even so the Doctor was on thin ice if he was going to be insulting her mum. “What’s that?”

“A bridezilla.” The Doctor collapsed against the back of the couch, hands dragging down his face. “Jackie Tyler is the biggest bridezilla in the universe. Two in fact. Two whole universes, all of time and space and your mother is the worst bridezilla there has ever, or will ever be.”

“You’re only saying that because she wants you to wear a tux.” Rose teased him. She wasn’t about to disagree with the bridezilla labeling the Doctor had bestowed on her mum.

“They’re unlucky Rose!” The Doctor whined. “Every time I wear one bad things happen! And she’s demanding I wear dress shoes. How am I supposed to run around and save the day from whatever bad thing me in a tux brings about in dress shoes? Huh Rose? Has Jackie thought about that?”

“I warned her about you and tuxes.” Rose let out a sigh. “She said you were making it up as an excuse.”

The Doctor groaned in frustration. “Why’s she need a wedding anyway? They’re already married.”

“Well it’s different isn’t it.”

“How.” The Doctor quirked his eyebrow in challenge.

“It’s like…” Rose took a moment to gather her thoughts, finger gently tracing around the lip of her mug. “Like with you. I’ve got all this history with the Doctor, and then you come around, and you’re a bit different, but you’re still the Doctor. You’ve still got all the same memories and thoughts. Even though you’re not the full Time Lord one, we’ve still got all the same experiences and feelings. You’re the exact same man I love. Like if we got married before Canary Wharf you’d remember and it would be the same wedding. Only I’d be married to both of you I guess.”

“Not sure I like that.” The Doctor scrunched up his face at the idea of Rose being married to both versions of him.

“Mum and Pete, they’ve got all this different history. Mum was without my dad for twenty years. And this Pete, he had his Jackie, but they never had me, and they had very different lives. Mum took over this Jackie’s identity but she’s not this Jackie.” Rose gave him a pointed look. “Gingerbread houses remember?”

“Yes. But-” The Doctor gave her a serious look. “I also remember the cybermen attacking a party while I was in a tux.” He made sure to put extra emphasis on the word tux.

Rose let out a giggle, going to poke him in the side with her foot. He obviously was not going to let the tux thing go. “Everyone else thinks it’s just a vow renewal, but she really wants to get married to this Pete. She wants to make the point that he’s not just a stand in for my dad. She loves him as him, different history and all.”

“You’re mum just wants the big wedding she never got.”

Rose winced a bit, having to concede he did have a bit of a point. “That’s probably part of it yeah.”

“But I do get your point.” The Doctor let out a huff. “Just one more month right?”

“I’ll make sure one of the cake layers is banana.” Rose grinned at him, tongue in her teeth.

“Oh Alright.” The things he would put up with for banana cake.

Two Weeks Prior

Rose slumped over the table with a groan. Head buried in her arms. The Doctor knew by now that this was a sure sign that Rose was about at her limit with wedding planning. He crossed over to stand behind her, hands moving to knead at her tense shoulders. After a moment they began to relax under his ministrations. “Better?”

Rose let out another groan. “There’s just so much to do.”

“Anything I can do?”

That caused Rose to look up sharply. “You?”

“Yes me.” The Doctor grinned down at her.

“You actually want to help with this wedding stuff?” She sounded unconvinced

“No. I want to help you.” He gently booped her nose. “Just so happens it’s wedding stuff you need help with.”

Rose let out a sigh. “Mum wants a flock of birds?”

“What’s she gonna do with a flock of birds? Eat em?”

Rose snorted. “No! Don’t be daft!” 

“This is Jackie Tyler we’re talking about.” The Doctor countered

Rose let out a giggle. “She wants them released at the end of the ceremony.”

“Why?”

Rose shrugged. “Supposed to be romantic.”

“Right…” For all the centuries he had spent with humans, and becoming part human himself now, the Doctor still had trouble wrapping his massive Time Lord brain around some of their customs. Birds? What was so romantic about releasing birds? 

“Which she just told me today. And I’ve already got to coordinate with the caterer-”

“Still going to be banana cake right?” He cut her off.

“Yes there will still be banana cake.” Rose grinned up at the hopeful look in his eyes. “And a four course meal, and appetizers, and drinks for a cocktail hour. Then there’s the DJ and the band.”

“A DJ and a band?” The Doctor let out a groan. “Why’s she need both?”

“I don’t know. But I’m already at my limit and now I have to find a stupid flock of birds.” Rose buried her face in her hands in exasperation.

“Well why don’t I do that for you?” The Doctor offered.

“Really?”

“Yes really.” He leaned down to give her a quick kiss.

At that moment her phone started to ring. “That would be the dress shop.” Rose got up to go answer it. “Remember big flock of birds. Gotta be big.” She called out before answering her phone. “Yes this is Rose.”

“Big flock of big bids.” The Doctor nodded to himself “Got it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day is here, and the Doctor is doing his best to make sure things go according to plan

Day Of

They had been up at the crack of dawn to get everything ready for the wedding. As soon as they had managed to drag themselves to the mansion, quadruple shots of espresso in hand, it had been a rush. Rose had immediately pulled the wedding planner aside to give the final go ahead for where everything was to be set up. The Doctor had begrudgingly helped out setting up some of the larger structures, like the tent, his sonic screwdriver coming in handy.

Then it was off to get themselves ready. Jackie for whatever reason had decided to keep the old tradition of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding. Leaving Rose to help get her mother ready, and the Doctor to coax Tony into his suit, having taken the Doctor’s spiel about tuxes being unlucky to heart.

“But you said they were unlucky.” Tony crossed his arms over his chest, still dressed in his jammies. “I don’t want to be unlucky.”

“Yes, well they’re only unlucky when I wear them so you’ll be fine.” The Doctor attempted to coax Tony into cooperating.

“So why are you wearing one?”

“Because your mum said I had to.” The Doctor pulled out his trump card. “And if I have to listen to your mum today, then so do you.” Tony still didn’t seem convinced. “Oh come on Tony, there’s going to be cake, loads of cake, and if you’re a good boy and wear your suit I’ll be sure to sneak you extra.” That got Tony moving, and gave the Doctor the satisfaction of knowing that even though Jackie was making him go through all this hassle he’d have the last laugh by sending her off with Tony on a sugar high.

With Tony finally in his suit and distracted by one of his favorite cartoons, the Doctor was able to check in on his one big task. The flock of birds to be released at the end of the ceremony. A quick call assured him that they were right on schedule.

After pocketing his phone he turned to see Rose coming out of the suite Jackie was getting ready in. His breath caught at the vision of Rose in her bridesmaid dress, hair and makeup done. He pursed his lips together, trying to keep his composure as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. Fist pressed to his mouth in an attempt to smother any noise.

“Doctor?”

The Doctor reached out to hold Rose by her shoulders, doing his best to pull himself together. “Rose I need you to know that in nine hundred years of time and space you are the most compassionate, amazing, beautiful woman I have ever known. The love of my lives-”   


Rose let out a huff, arching an eyebrow. “How bad is it?”

“S’like a cupcake got caught up in an explosion of rhinestones.” He finally lost the battle and dissolved into fits of laughter. “The picture was bad enough, but it’s so much worse in person.”

“I look terrible.” Rose let out a groan.

“Let me assure you Rose Tyler,” Sobering up the Doctor gently tilted her chin up so he could look into her eyes, “that there is nothing you could possibly wear that would ever make you look terrible.”

Rose gave him a small smile. “Even this dress.”

“You are the most beautiful rhinestone cupcake I have ever seen.”

“Seen a lot of those have you?”

“Eh.” The Doctor shrugged. “You’d be surprised.”

Rose gently smoothed the lapels of his jacket. “You look nice at least.”

“Unlucky you mean.” The Doctor pulled at his bowtie. “Doesn’t matter how good it looks, it’s still a tux of doom.”

“S’a good thing I made sure to order a doom free tux.” Rose gave him a wink.

“Doesn’t matter who you order from Rose. It’s not the tux itself, it’s me being in the tux that transforms it into a tux of doom.” It was Rose’s turn to giggle this time.

“Rose!” Jackie’s voice called through the door. “Have you seen my earrings?”

“Coming!” Rose called back while she rolled her eyes. “You get the birds?”

“They’re on the way as we speak. Just got off the phone with the man myself.”

“Thanks again for handling that for me.” Rose gave him a very quick, light peck on the lips, careful not to smudge her lipstick. “If you need me I’ll be taming the bridezilla.”

“If there’s one thing I believe in Rose Tyler it’s you, and your bridezilla taming skills.” The Doctor gave her a grin as she disappeared back into the suite.

From there the Doctor was relegated to keeping an eye on Tony. Under strict orders from Jackie that neither of them was to make a mess and get their clothes dirty. Shortly after the guest had arrived and were beginning to take their seats Tony was handed off to Pete. They had decided that since this was perceived as a vow renewal it was best to skip a traditional wedding party. Only Rose and Tony would stand at the altar while their parents said their vows.

This gave the Doctor a chance to meet up with the owner of the flock of birds. After a quick handshake and introduction the Doctor handed him a walkie talkie. “Once I give the signal you release them.”

“You sure about this?” The man had to ask at least one last time.

“Absolutely.” The Doctor rocked back on his heels. “Jackie Tyler has been very clear that she wants things big for her wedding.”

“If you say so.” The man took the walkie talkie, heading back towards his birds.

Now all the Doctor had to do was wait. Taking a seat near the back, in case he had to jump up to go do something, he just had to get through the tedious ceremony. At least there was Rose to look at, in the crime against fashion her mother insisted was actually a bridesmaid dress. He spent his time making faces every time Rose looked back towards him, doing his best to get her to break her composure. After awhile, and a few close calls she had taken to alternating between staring at the back of Jackie’s head and the ceiling.

Finally the officiant was wrapping up the end of the ceremony. Rose gave him a grin from her place behind Jackie. A small nod to let him know it was time. Here was his big moment to show Rose that he had her back, that she was right to trust him to help her out. And maybe, just maybe, Jackie could shut up and stop nagging at him for five fucking seconds.

He raised the walkie talkie to his mouth, flipped the switch. “Show time!” 

As the officiant finished his speech Jackie looked around. Her lips pursed together, eyes narrowed as she turned to Rose. “Where’re the birds?”

Jackie’s question was soon answered when a low, guttural, booming sound came from the side of the mansion, causing the guests to turn and look behind them. Confusion was evident as finally the origin of the noise revealed itself. The head of a bird peaked around the corner, slowly followed by the rest of it’s nine foot tall body. A few people chuckled nervously, assuming this one was a joke. Until another appeared, and another, and another. The energy in the tent grew more and more tense as each new one rounded the corner.

The Doctor, grinning from ear to ear turned from the ostriches to look back at his family, giving them two thumbs up. Proud of himself for finding the big flock of big birds for Jackie Tyler’s big wedding on such short notice.

A large male took a few more steps towards the tent. He inflated his neck, letting out the air in a low booming noise. Two short booms followed by a longer one. Everyone looked on in shock as he once again inflated his neck to let out his warning booms.

All at once chaos erupted. The guests scrambling to get out, with their movement and the sounds of chairs scraping on the floor of the tent spooked the ostriches. The herd so large the individuals in front couldn’t turn back around began to run towards and around the tent. The shrieks of the guests only served to further rile them up.

Jackie Tyler’s jaw dropped as she took in the scene before her. The members of the orchestra shielded their instruments from the commotion. The officiant had already taken off running. The guests were tripping over themselves and trying not to run into the 250 pound ostriches.

“Oi!” The Doctor called out to the guests. “Stop your shouting! You’re spooking them!”

There he stood. The cause of all of this mayhem. Jackie could feel herself trembling with rage. “DOCTOR!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this to wrap up this mess.
> 
> In case anyone was curious and wanted to know what an ostrich sounds like, here is a link to a 30 second video of an Ostrich booming 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGxZ7eYPy44

**Author's Note:**

> And next we will have the big day!


End file.
